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Hawaiian Delights Rules and Regulations

TEAM PHILOSOPHY


This is a SOCIAL rugby team… displays of unwarranted seriousness and/or excessive sobriety will be dealt with under the provisions laid down in Section II - Offences and Punishments





SECTION I TEAM REGULATIONS



PART I(A) PRELIMINARY PROVISIONS

RULE 1
All team members MUST attend ONE PRE-SEASON training session…
RULE 2
All team members MUST THEREAFTER attend one training session DURING THE SEASON, unless released under the following stipulations -
(i) it is raining
(ii) it is cold
(iii) there is something good on telly
RULE 3
Any training session attended MUST INVOLVE CONSUMPTION of beer and/or alcoholic beverage of choice…
RULE 4
Team members must turn up for AT LEAST FOUR competition games…
RULE 5
There is to be NO pointing and laughing in the showers…
RULE 6
An effort by team members must be made to reward all sponsors by actively targeting their premises /goods. (ie drinking their beer etc) …
RULE 7
In addition to Rule 6, all players must consume AT LEAST ONE sponsored sausage product DURING GAME PERIOD…
RULE 8
There will be a court session every four games, ATTENDANCE IS MANDATORY…
Rule 9
FRIDAY NIGHT DRINKING IS COMPULSORY, preferably till late… (status within the team structure will be enhanced by turning up hungover and reeking of cheap cigars)…
RULE 10
EVERYBODY who turns up on match day will get a run…
RULE 11
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
RULE 12
You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
RULE 13
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
RULE 14
Never talk to a man in the bogs unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation needed.



PART I(B) PLAYING PROVISIONS

RULE 1
Penalties awarded will NEVER result in attempted kicks at goal. Soccer players kick goals, Men score tries… there is ALWAYS a move on…
RULE 2
Conversion attempts must be taken BY THE TRY SCORER, unless they are -
(i) too injured
(ii) too puffed
(iii) fucking hopeless
if excluded by any of these conditions, the try scorer must nominate another team member as the designated kicker…
RULE 3
Drop goals from within the opposition half ARE FOR POOFS, and as such are prohibited… (they are however, actively encouraged from behind player’s own 22)
RULE 4
All lineout calls MUST BE SUFFICIENTLY STUPID to baffle opposing lineout…
RULE 5
Kicking defensively is NOT permitted. Any kick taken MUST be the precursor to an aggressive attacking manoeuvre, (this rule will allow us to take advantage of our immensely fit, big fat backs)…
Note: in the unlikely event that we turn out to be as unfit as buggery, this rule may be swiftly re-evaluated, and in all probability revoked… (possibly VERY early in the season)



PART I(C) DRESS CODE

PLAYING STRIP

JERSEY
This turned out harder to do than we thought... We had to get rugby knit material screen printed in the classic 'Aloha'loud Hawaiian pattern, in white and royal blue, then crafted into jerseys with a 1930's style 'half'collar...
SOCKS
Marist rugby club socks…
SHORTS
Players own choice… (this will give the team a flamboyant, jaunty appearance in the style of the Barbarians) Originality is encouraged, with points awarded for ugliness…
MISCELLANEOUS
Mouthguards are compulsory… It is also expected that excessive amounts of tape, strapping, padding, and aromatic ointments will be worn by the more aged and fragile team members...

AFTER MATCH GUIDELINES

SHIRT
Any form of Hawaiian shirt is permissible...
TROUSERS
Yes... compulsory in fact… AS ARE UNDIES…
BLAZER
A dress blazer will be awarded after an (unspecified at this stage) number of games have been played. This will be in the classic sports blazer pattern, but constructed of fuzzy black and white cowskin material, (as seen on car seats everywhere…)
CARDIGAN
‘Dildo Award’ winner has the honour of sporting the team cardie, which MUST be worn for the duration of the aftermatch festivities...



SECTION II - OFFENCES AND PUNISHMENTS



PART II(A) DISCIPLINARY GUIDELINE

Every person commits an offence and is liable on summary conviction up to (but NOT limited by) the sentences outlined in Part II(B) who -
- Fails to consume adequate alcoholic beverages…
- Displays conduct unbecoming of the social team ethos…
- Fails to comply with the Preliminary Provisions as laid out in Part I(A) Rules 1 through 10 of the Team Regulations…
- Employs inappropriate game tactics, and/or does not comply with the Playing Provisions as laid out in Part I(B) Rules 1 through 5 of the Team Regulations…
- Does not present themselves in accordance with the Dress Code guidelines, as laid out in Part I(C) of the Team Regulations …
- Does anything that the administrative committee thinks is amusing…
- Vomits in, or otherwise damages the Team Transport…
- Causes any damage /trouble within a sponsor’s, (or host’s) establishment…
- Damages the team’s drinking shields. Coconut abuse is a serious indiscretion and offenders will be heavily fined…



PART II(B) PENAL CODE

All indiscretions are punishable by the following disciplinary measures, and range from physical and financial inducements up to and including Death by Sausage… (not often enforced, due to administrative difficulties).
- Consumption from designated team drinking vessel (Coconut cup shield)…
- Purchase of 24 pack…
- Providing dirty girls /strippers… (MUST be pretty)
- Wearing of assigned clothing… (team cardigan, etc)
- Public humiliation…
- Dishonourable discharge from the Hawaiian delights… (a source of great shame, leaving a stain upon family honour for several generations)



SECTION III - DISPENSATIONS AND AWARDS



PART III(A) DISPENSATIONS

Excuses for missing games, breaking rules etc will be heard fairly and justly in a team environment, with all corroborating evidence examined impartially, and given full and thorough consideration - BEFORE player is found guilty and fined heavily… Genuine reasons, (as determined by team consensus) may result in lesser punishments…
Note: Being piss-crook is NOT a valid excuse…



PART III(B) AWARDS

AWARDS CEREMONY
The following honours will be awarded after each game… and celebrated by ritual consumption from the appropriate Coconut cup shield…
(In accordance with the very ancient and traditional coconut ceremony, which we’ve just made up)…

PLAYER OF THE DAY (FORWARD)
For meritorious forward play…
short speech required upon presentation.
PLAYER OF THE DAY (BACK)
For outstanding back play…
short speech required upon presentation.
DILDO AWARD
For excessive stupidity… player is also presented with the royal and ancient team Cardie, to be worn with pride for the evening…
encouraged not to speak, but may offer feeble defence.
MOST CREATIVE MOVE
For attempting (successfully or otherwise) a hopelessly optimistic, but inspired manoeuvre…
must deliver speech detailing the thinking behind the move, and the expected, (vs actual) results…


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